Monday, 10 October 2016
I wish I understood why I doubt myself so much - it being the pain that brews day in and day out - forever consuming. It overtakes everything. I can feel it now. Judging. My head is fighting with itself and I need to shut down the naysayer. Ok, I think the good guy is working his way back on top. Man, I must sound crazy right now, hah!
This is good. Daughter is asleep. Wifey is at the gym. I'm sitting here in my study tapping away. I know what I want to do, although I know what I have to do. I want to eat (dinner) & play PS4 (FIFA 17) and watch TV (Walking Dead) or study (I'm learning how to create basic Android Apps). I must finish my training presentation for tomorrow night, catch up on emails, and start on a huge excel file.
Priorities right!? Nights should be for me (and my family), but sometimes that little extra efforts go a long way. Compromise and prioritise; Plan & carry-out; Do and just do it well - this is the way it's been. And, it's been working well, but it sucks when it impacts my family. It's possible that I feel this way because I'm not in control. I can't organise myself because I'm busy with other people's priorities. Tomorrow will be the 11th day of October and I haven't even started the basics of my role for the month. I'm dreading opening my laptop right now, but I know I have to. I must limit it. Emails are other people's problems right? Haha. Nope. Well maybe, sometimes.
Alright, writing helps big time. Or was it the rum & dry? Either way, I'm off to eat dinner, finish my presentation, look at and action 10 emails maximum and then watch my shows.
Thanks for listening Blogger. :)
Thursday, 15 September 2016
Headspace is good today. Extremely productive off the back of yesterday's major coaching conversations. Also had some key chats with DPs and leadership. Feels great when you leave a convo or site feeling you've made a difference. I have a lot of thanks for the training sesh last week. So good. Sanitarium so good.
Just a thought, generally when I'm feeling as I do right now i don't have much to write about. Wonder why that is.
Now the part where I challenge myself... Where did I listen to my subconscious thought today?
One moment comes to mind, group messaging App with my peers. I had something humorous to say and I backed away, I thought too many times about the judgement. Come on man. Be yourself already. It's what I'm known for, shitty dad jokes. Set them free already!
Signing off now. Hope the PS servers are up tonight.
Wednesday, 14 September 2016
Monday, 12 September 2016
Tuesday, 9 February 2016
Family are many things. I always saw family as important, but that level of importance hit a whole new level in 2012 when my daughter was born. She is my world and I'm in awe of both her and my soon-to-be wife every day. They are 2nd to none and I'd give up everything in a heartbeat for their happiness.
Yesterday, I experienced another layer of family. One that I hadn't felt in a long time. My siblings & I, the 4 of us, have always shared a special bond. Life gets busy though when you're growing your own families and yes it may feel like its faded a little over the years but we are always there for each other. We stood united, along with our cousins & aunties & uncles & my pop to farewell one of the most amazing ladies I've ever met. It was a tough day. Emotions up, down, left, right and any other way you could possibly imagine. I couldn't be prouder to be part of this family. I'd missed this & them a lot and it was great see and understand the impact that Gran had on them too.
There is no simple way to explain what Gran meant to me. My sister summed it up pretty well in her beautiful eulogy in that she always made us feel special, like the most important person in the world, that we were capable of anything and that she was so very proud of us no matter what life choices we made. Elaborating, for me specifically, that she always filled the void of honest, positive encouragement in my personal life. In her own unique way, she was a motivator, coach and mentor and taught me to believe in and challenge myself.
The part that upsets me the most is that I never truly realised this until recently. I mean, I always valued her words because they were filled with love and made me feel awesome. But the actual depth of those words subtly added to my confidence and played a huge part in making me who I am today. This is the most important thing I wanted to tell her before she left us. When I saw her the day before, I could only squeeze out the words "I love you" and "I miss you", even though I knew she was close, I could not bring myself to tell her, to accept that she might not be there the next day.
And now that she is gone, all I can think about is the time I've wasted being away from her and, upon reflection, just how much not having her around has left a massive gap in my life. Sure, we all say life gets busy, and we all make assumptions that the people we love will be there tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day. But they sure as hell may not be. If there is one final lesson Gran has taught me it's that I need to value the people that care about me & that I care about the most. Even if it is difficult, even if there is distance, even if there are daily distractions, nobody is more important than these people, for they are the ones that value & deserve our love the most.
While I'll never be sure, I'll keep telling myself that Gran knew exactly what I meant and that from now on, to the people that I love, I'll speak loud & clear.
Thursday, 7 January 2016
Sunday, 3 January 2016
1. I need an outlet. It helps me stay on track by reflecting on my days & thoughts.
2. I need to have something to look back on. Years are going by faster & faster and it all seems a blur. I hope that having these physical memories will make each day more valuable.
3. I need to be more productive. I'm always putting things off, claiming to be busy, which I am, but I need to make the most of my time with the people I care about while balancing my workload. I must do this without overloading myself & becoming a high-strung, stressed out individual.
4. I have a crap memory. Yep, for the same reasons as #2.
5. I am doing this for me. I should point out that I am doing this for me, but it is on the internet so if you find it useful or think someone else might... share/comment away!
My measure here is 30 mins of writing & reflection each day. I plan on doing this at the end of each day once my daughter is in bed.
I have a great feeling about this year. Not 100% sure what it is, but that makes it all the more interesting!
One last thing. I need to become fit again. That'll be one part of this. Right now, I have the biggest gut I've ever had & I'm weighing in at 75.6kgs; the heaviest I've ever been & I'm getting married in 2 months. Time to get busy!