Monday, 12 September 2016

Thinky Thoughts - 12th September 2016

I'm not feeling great at all.  The anxiety has continued to slowly rumble from the pit of my chest right up to top of my throat.  At times my guts quiver, and, like a sleepless night, that empty feeling lingers.

I've been struggling to keep my head in a good place, for the past few months at least.  Most of the time I can steady my thoughts, but the waves of overwhelming worthlessness keep hitting me hard.  It's weird, even as I'm typing this, I started off wanted to put myself to sleep and now I'm kind of okay.  I know writing and clearly thinking things through helps me but I can't walk around all day writing every single thing down can I?  Maybe that is the answer.  I just need to get paid for it so I can continue to support my family. Hah!

Moving on. From the outside, I'm guessing everything looks peachy.  We have just moved into our own beautiful new house, we are financially stable, we have nice things, our Autistic Daughter is moving forward by leaps and bounds, I have an amazing wife who looks after us like a hero.  I should be happy, right.  So why do I feel so low?  Why do I feel so defeated?

Last week at work, we went through this killer training sesh.  All about Leadership.  Being in the role I am, influencing is key.  Getting results is key.  Growth is key.  Without these, there is no moving forward.  It was a great sesh in the sense that it opened up a hell of of a lot of realisations, most notable being that I have been dwelling on the wrong things & using old-school techniques to manage my team.  I learned that 21st century success is built on social cooperation.  Being the introvert that I am, faking it in a leadership role is already challenging & now I have to be social! Haha!  Here we go.  Well, I've made it this far, but this is some next-level skill I have to wear.  I know what I have to do.  It will certainly be tough, but I just need to take my personal awareness up a notch and land on the one phrase that will keep me in line.  

Right now, it is that "everything I do is for the benefit, well-being & growth of my family; specifically, to better the quality of life for my daughter".  

That should be enough, right?  Lot's of questions I have to keep asking myself & lots of questions I have to seek the answers to.  I'm feeling a far bit better now.  Writing & thinking things through is crucial.  I have to commit to this.